Wednesday, April 23, 2014

FeaR of Failure - AKA "Night Sweats"

Alrighty all you out there in cyber space this is about to get personal, like perhaps a too close for comfort kinda personal. But then again, I have let you all live inside my head, so why not just take it one step further. 

I'm exhausted. I have spent the last few nights waking up in the sweats EVERY TWO HOURS. And it's not as though I have taken way too much Advil allowed to sweat out some kind of infectious bug. Rather it's as though my yoga challenge is following into my dreams and my sleep and I seem to be doing 2-3 hot yoga sessions a night - which means I have burned through all the clothes I can classify as PJ's and have been doing laundry like I'm babysitting a 2 year old. 

So obvious solution, GOOGLE of course :) after two nights of not enough sleep, I strolled into work, propped open my lap top and immediately entered into google "Night sweats" and within 2 seconds, thanks to Web MD, I was able to self diagnose the situation. Well, I mean at least come up with some probable reasons as to what the hell was happening to me at night, to which of course my mother clearly shook her head so heavily I could here it from the TDOT to LTOWN. "Crazy Daughter" was all I could here her mumble. 

So what was it, what is it? And no I am not going through the early signs of menopause which Web MD did try to tell me (duh, clearly too young!). The truth is of all the reasons Web MD spit out I knew the "anxiety / stress" one was the real reason. And why? Why was I or am I so stressed or anxious as of late? I mean from the outside looking in, it looks as though I have begun the path to getting it all, but then again is that maybe what scares me? Or is it that the next thing on my list is the biggest most scariest of them all and now that I am starting to get snip its of the beginnings of things, I am desperately trying to think of all the reasons why I should continue to stay stagnate. It's like as though I am waiting for this magical perfect moment for it all to be right when the reality is that sometimes you just gotta dive in knowing you have most of it if not all of it together. I guess it's kinda what they tell people when they are trying or thinking about having a baby - you never really are ready for what could come your way. But regardless you have to know you can. 

And maybe that's just it - I fear failing all over again. I don't know if I can or if I am capable of heading down that path. For me hitting rock bottom was the solid foundation on which I re-built my life - point blank straight up as raw as it gets that's the honest truth. And now that I have more than I could ever imagine, I am afraid of letting it combust in my face all over again. Which is the biggest problem, I am unable to take the success I have since endured and translate it over to this next thing on my list. I mean it should be easy, which for all intensive purposes it is on the surface, but I know that this thing is gonna have to get a bit deeper. 

So after taking some time to reflect in the midst of my actual hot yoga sessions and not the hypothetical ones I seem to be having in my sleep, I decided that in following with my #mantra theme, it was time to change up my #mantra for the remainder of my #30daychallenge. So now instead of "I can I will" I have taken on "let go" in the hopes that I will allow myself to learn to let go of the fears holding me back and just leap forward, realizing that it will all work out the way I have forever and always dreamed it would. 

And with that - yes you know it! I turn to you all in cyber space and share this video that I am positive I saw years ago and remind you all to make sure that everyday you are testing yourself, living to your maximum and GIVING UP ON THE FEAR THAT FAILING COULD ACTUALLY HAPPEN. 

"It is impossible to live with out failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well have not lived at all at which case you fail by default" - JK Rowling 

Til next time (and hopefully much more sleep later)

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