Wednesday, April 23, 2014

FeaR of Failure - AKA "Night Sweats"

Alrighty all you out there in cyber space this is about to get personal, like perhaps a too close for comfort kinda personal. But then again, I have let you all live inside my head, so why not just take it one step further. 

I'm exhausted. I have spent the last few nights waking up in the sweats EVERY TWO HOURS. And it's not as though I have taken way too much Advil allowed to sweat out some kind of infectious bug. Rather it's as though my yoga challenge is following into my dreams and my sleep and I seem to be doing 2-3 hot yoga sessions a night - which means I have burned through all the clothes I can classify as PJ's and have been doing laundry like I'm babysitting a 2 year old. 

So obvious solution, GOOGLE of course :) after two nights of not enough sleep, I strolled into work, propped open my lap top and immediately entered into google "Night sweats" and within 2 seconds, thanks to Web MD, I was able to self diagnose the situation. Well, I mean at least come up with some probable reasons as to what the hell was happening to me at night, to which of course my mother clearly shook her head so heavily I could here it from the TDOT to LTOWN. "Crazy Daughter" was all I could here her mumble. 

So what was it, what is it? And no I am not going through the early signs of menopause which Web MD did try to tell me (duh, clearly too young!). The truth is of all the reasons Web MD spit out I knew the "anxiety / stress" one was the real reason. And why? Why was I or am I so stressed or anxious as of late? I mean from the outside looking in, it looks as though I have begun the path to getting it all, but then again is that maybe what scares me? Or is it that the next thing on my list is the biggest most scariest of them all and now that I am starting to get snip its of the beginnings of things, I am desperately trying to think of all the reasons why I should continue to stay stagnate. It's like as though I am waiting for this magical perfect moment for it all to be right when the reality is that sometimes you just gotta dive in knowing you have most of it if not all of it together. I guess it's kinda what they tell people when they are trying or thinking about having a baby - you never really are ready for what could come your way. But regardless you have to know you can. 

And maybe that's just it - I fear failing all over again. I don't know if I can or if I am capable of heading down that path. For me hitting rock bottom was the solid foundation on which I re-built my life - point blank straight up as raw as it gets that's the honest truth. And now that I have more than I could ever imagine, I am afraid of letting it combust in my face all over again. Which is the biggest problem, I am unable to take the success I have since endured and translate it over to this next thing on my list. I mean it should be easy, which for all intensive purposes it is on the surface, but I know that this thing is gonna have to get a bit deeper. 

So after taking some time to reflect in the midst of my actual hot yoga sessions and not the hypothetical ones I seem to be having in my sleep, I decided that in following with my #mantra theme, it was time to change up my #mantra for the remainder of my #30daychallenge. So now instead of "I can I will" I have taken on "let go" in the hopes that I will allow myself to learn to let go of the fears holding me back and just leap forward, realizing that it will all work out the way I have forever and always dreamed it would. 

And with that - yes you know it! I turn to you all in cyber space and share this video that I am positive I saw years ago and remind you all to make sure that everyday you are testing yourself, living to your maximum and GIVING UP ON THE FEAR THAT FAILING COULD ACTUALLY HAPPEN. 

"It is impossible to live with out failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well have not lived at all at which case you fail by default" - JK Rowling 

Til next time (and hopefully much more sleep later)

Tuesday, April 15, 2014


We live in times when super-busy schedules have become something to boast about. While the speed of life increases, there is less and less time to enjoy the moment that you are in. The ability to appreciate the moment, the environment and yourself in it, is the base for the bridge towards long term happiness of any human being.#100happydays

The running shoe diaries a name / concept / whatever it is you would like to call it, emerged as a declaration on my behalf to step away from the rush rush of the every day and actually take a moment to enjoy life. You know savour that walk into work, allow time for meditation and reflection and most importantly "be present".  Its been a year and a half since I started this process and its amazing how at times even I feel like my brain can just shut down. I used to be this person who's mind raced all over the place, planning and thinking about the next step. And suddenly I have slowed down to a pace that even at times shocks me. My sweaty palms are no more, the anxiety has decreased to less then zero and instead this "whatever is meant to happen, shall happen" approach to life has taken over. 

But even I am not perfect, and yes I am admitting that on this inter web of a place. So with a move to a massive city with no real plan and a hope that good old fate will take me to where I meant to end up, this automatic feeling of rushing to settle in and get life started has begun to take over me. The fears of being wrong, of isolating myself, or running from something that I can't even explain all take over in the moments when all this change can feel overwhelming. And while I have friends and family on the other side of the planet that commend me for making such a bold move, I know that both myself and them are stuck in these overbearing lives that even when we feel like we are in complete control we are not.

And in the midst of all this #100happydays emerges. An idea, a concept, a challenge that ties similarly to that very declaration that I made through this blog of a place. So how could I not resist? How could I not join forces with one of my nearest and dearest across the globe and make a commitment to spending not only these next 100 days being happy, but the rest of my life. And now through Instagram I am committing to capturing some of my happiest moments of each day, while becoming that annoying person that will hold up traffic, a random group of people and everything else in between as I get snappy happy :) 

So as always, with me trying to encourage everyone out there to just smile more and enjoy the moments that matter, I challenge you all to take on the #100happydays challenge - 

As the site says, there are no material prizes to be won, but then again you can't put a price tag or value on anything like true and genuine #happiness. 


- A

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

A what?!?!?! A MANTRA I SAID!!!!

So its about to get real spiritual up in here. And I know I tend to be the philosophical type, but I think I may just take it to a whole other level during this post.

I am here, I have arrived. I am officially in my new home town, surrounded by everything new and yet everything familiar all at the same time. Life is crazy wonderful and at the same time completely and utterly overwhelming. Everyday is new, and while I know I have done a lot of my day to day before and over and over again, somehow it just feels like I am learning to ride a bike from scratch.

So what is one to do? Live this overwhelming life while feeling as though my air supply could be cut off shortly? or do I retreat? Step back and take a moment or two to take in all that is happened and all that I know is about to happen.

Retreat wins, because lets face it I wanna see this beautiful life through.  And so you may ask how does one retreat, well duh?!?!!? by committing oneself to a #30DayHotYogaChallenge. Which is simple, 30 days in the month of April = 30 days of yoga, which also means 30 days of a lot of sweating, a lot of dirty hair and bunmakers and a whole lot of running to work to make it in on time. Sounds simple right? Physically yes, but what I never anticipated were the spiritual and emotional aspects that committing yourself to such a challenge brings.

So let's begin with what I mean. A while back, in conversation with someone who was trying to help me out of a really dark time, she mentioned that in a similar time in her life she found that having her own personal mantra helped her. And while she shared her mantra with me, I tried desperately to make her words work for me. But they didn't and over time this idea of a mantra has come up over and over and over again and yet, it never really stuck with me. It could be that I try to force thoughts in my head at times or it could just be that nothing has really resonated. Well, nothing until now. Just as I committed myself to this Yoga challenge, I found this picture on Pintrest and immediately was drawn to it.

And I know its something so simple and so something our parents would say to us on a daily basis. But only as I started this challenge did I start to really hear the thoughts in my head, you know the I can'ts, I'm scared, oh god I am going to hurt myself. And suddenly I realized about a couple classes in that if for every time I had a doubt or a fear in my mind, I replaced it with the phrase above, I suddenly became invincible and more willing to challenge and push myself to believe in what I am capable of, not just on the mat, but in every single aspect of my life.

Now its only been 8 days, 10 if you count the two days I went before the challenge officially started, so who knows what will come of me at the end of this month. But for now, what I will say is that I have found my own personal mantra and with that my own personal warrior, cheerleader and picker upper, which means I no longer need saving, because I have saved myself. Which is why I have come to be this massive believer now in that idea of
"change your thoughts, change your life"

So now to all of you out there in cyber space. What are your Mantra's? And if you don't have one yet, what's stopping you from finding one? Hell, it could be one crazzzy ass rap song for all I care. BUT TAKE THE TIME, TO FIND ONE, TO MAKE IT STICK AND THEN PUT THAT S@!T ON REPEAT IN YOUR MIND, Just like your favourite song. It will change your life and if you don't believe me then try it and tell me otherwise...BECAUSE I KNOOW I AM RIGHT :)

And on that note I shall retreat to the comfort of my new bed in my new flat in my new poppppin' town :)

Til next time, cheers mates!