Where do I even begin? How long has it been? Too long I suppose, at least for me. Writing has become my solace, and in all the change, movement and running forward that has happened over the past bit, all I have craved is this blog, which has become my space to just let out everything that has been bubbling in my mind.
Change is good they say. And while I do agree, I have come to realize that something you can anticipate and want for so long, can suddenly feel like the scariest thing in the world. Even when you finally get there and find your footing, you constantly wonder if what you have just done, chosen and agreed to embark on is in fact what you should be doing.
Yes, that is exactly what has been going through my mind. I now live in a city, that seems like home, like a place that I was meant to be and even in the most chaotic moments, I know that somehow I am meant to be here. But while i know my gut instincts sit as they do, I am constantly wondering what exactly I have done with my life. And if what I am doing, living, dreaming is right, or if this gut instinct is like those other times I may have gotten it wrong, where suddenly there will be a flash of smoke and a whole lot of WHAT DO I DO NOW. I guess this is commitment for you. Sticking through and hoping that what I am doing will soon make sense.
Each day starts out with a nervous excitement as I walk along the streets with all the funny shaped houses that seem to have so much history behind them, and as I get on the train to the office, I can't help but wonder if one day I will get on and suddenly see a familiar face and then as I near the office corner, I wonder if what I will do today, will live up to the expectations that have been set by my brand. And then somehow I manage to make it through the day in a series of ups and downs that always leave me on a high note, excited about the life that I am actually living.
And then I get home, do my nightly routine and before I know it end up in bed, staring up at the ceiling, wondering what my next big dream will be. And whether in my life I will ever be content with just sitting still and being happy with what I have. I mean will I forever be a dream chaser, a life liver and happiness seeker? Or will it all just stop one day? I mean even if I am a running shoe era kid who wants to savour each moment, am I not allowed to keep chasing my dreams?
Someone once said to me after meeting me once, that I came across as rather intense, and almost as if with all the things I was surrounding my mind and life with, I was actually using them as barriers to block the things that scare me most from coming in. And in wondering about my next biggest dream, I think back and wonder if that person was right. Am I only chasing dreams, so that I can protect myself from the dreams I know I have that scare me most? Or is that just some pyscho analysis that really has no truth behind it?
What do you think out there in cyber space? Do people constantly move at the pace that they do, chasing the things they want most, so that they can avoid the thoughts in their heads, the things they want most or the harsh realities of life? Or are we all just living beings who see the endless possibilities that life has to offer us, give us and throw at us and make us take advantage of? Do we all want to live each moment like it's our last? Or are we hoping by living each moment to its fullest, we will forget, stop thinking about and ignore the real thoughts in our minds?
This thing called life is a funny thing I tell you. And just as I think I have it all figured out, I realize that in reality this understanding is just the beginning of not really knowing anything at all :)
Til next time dream chasers, life livers and forever and always happiness seekers :)