I just lay there on my bench, after class was over as the XX blasted through the speakers. I thought I was staring up at the exposed ceiling at the gym but really I was staring up at a series of images in my mind. Flashbacks you could easily say of everything that has unfolded over the past couple years. You know where I was, what I thought, what actually happened, the adventures I had experienced and the whole process of landing my feet where they are today.
I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't fathom, that I had actually moved to this foreign city. And not just in the sense of packing up a back pack for 6 months, I mean selling furniture, getting rid of an apartment, boxing and shipping things, handing things back, leaving things where they should be and then focusing all my energies on building a home - My home, my future, my everything I have always dreamed of. It was a pinch me moment, but a moment filled with so many overwhelming thoughts I really did not know where to start weeding through what was coming to mind.
Was it that I had landed nearly 5 months ago and everything so easily fell into place - the job, the routine, the friends that last a lifetime, the special people that make you think you could have it all if you wanted and the adventures that leave you feeling breathless. Or was it that I never thought I would survive, make it through the shock of a lifetime and then suddenly realize that I really wanted so much more. I have no idea, but I lay there in a trance and continued through the motions home in the same trance and suddenly I found myself laying on my new bed, in my new flat, listening to the busy sounds of my hipster bipster neighbourhood realizing that there was never going to be any turning back. I had come to far and seen to much to ever go back to where I thought happiness was.
And so with that I sat up and starred deeply into my vision board and thought - oh no, next comes all the stuff I have been afraid of. All the things I avoided by using studying, work and life as excuses to just not have to really do the things I knew deep inside I had always wanted. This was my Gobi, as Stefan Denis once said. Life and all the adult stuff was and is my Gobi. It's the fear of letting go of complete freedom, it’s the requirement to be responsible, it’s the act of fully trusting someone and the universe that a forever happily after is possible and it's the exposing of every vulnerability I could feel.
And while I know how scary it all seems for anyone, I just sat there starring at my board and began yelling at myself instead. SUCK IT UP YOU WHINEY BABY, It's time. Time to conquer this massive fear. And what better way to believe in my strength and capability to endure this sense of adult hood but to test myself. To really test myself and give myself that adrenalin filled feeling that makes you feel like you could call up David Beckham and make him yours. And so I did it - picked my test, built a schedule and committed to it full force.
It's me against the half marathon. Which may not seem much to all you avid runners out there. But for a former fat kid, an aging adult and a premature baby that is better known as a bubble child, this seems like an early death sentence. But I have committed and I will do it, even if I have a similar story to P Diddy and the New York Marathon. I may not have toe nails at the end and I may have rashes and bleeding everything's, but I will do this. I will face my Gobi and I will get closer to conquering this fear.
And with that I have decided that for the next three months as I train this blog will become my place to vent, to share, to cry and to triumph about every step along the journey. After all it is the running shoe diaries so at least now I am writing about running.
So if you have already shared and followed my random rants and woes, I ask you now to really step inside and give the writer, life doer and inspirer in me a chance to really let you in, touch your life and personally give you something you can maybe associate with. And if you have stumbled across this by mistake, I ask for the chance to become a part of your reading ritual.
I promise that while you may be bored at times, you will laugh, cry and likely think I am crazy :)
Here is to sharing this journey #royalparkshalfmarathon #london #runner #conqueringfears #pushingmylimits #hopingforsurvival #therunningshoediaries