It happened, I mean I know it was meant to happen, but it HAPPENED.
It finally hit me, that I am no longer in transit, no longer attempting to find my place in life and actually am in fact settled. I arrived back in London after one of the best girlie vacations ever that bridged my globetrotting lifestyle, with my new found home and as I got back to my flat and began unpacking, I just couldn't help but take a moment to sit down and stare at my room. The room that looks nothing like my old apartment and that somehow symbolizes more of who I am than any place I called home before this moment.
THIS IS ME and THIS IS HOME and the minute the words left my head, severe moments of panic followed. I realized that the comfort of my old life, would be just that. A string of memories, good and bad times and people, love, life and everything in between that all were just a part of a process that was meant to lead me to the life I am now living. So maybe in this moment, where I sat in my room staring at every inch of it, did I finally realize that I could accept everything I had felt, forgiven myself for anything I ever did wrong and come to terms with all that has happened. And yes I mean everything that has happened.
For so long I resisted the things that were happening. For so long in my life, did i hold onto things that I knew deep down, were not either meant to be or good for me or any of that sort of thing and all because I was afraid of living my own life, of listening to my voice, to following the beat of my very own drum and to just letting go and walking blindly into the future. I was afraid of me. And maybe because it's like that poem by Marianne Williamson:
" Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
I was afraid of my own power, I was afraid that the things I wanted most were things I was capable of getting, having and living, and more so because all i could think of was if I would ever be able to hold onto the things that I wanted most, or if i would get them, enjoy a brief moment of joy, which would then be followed by an instant explosion of my world crashing down as those wants, dreams and desires suddenly left. And that's just the thing. I had already experienced this, that is the sudden explosion. So maybe, I thought as I sat in my room staring at all the little details of my creative home projects, did it not matter, if I fell again or if I went down a path that was not meant for me and the universe had to do what it had to do, to make sure I got back on the one that was right for me. I am a survivor, just the way Destiny's Child sings it, so now that I have settled, fallen in love with my life and surroundings, what do I have to lose?
In the months I have been in London, I have picked several quotes to serve as my mantra's to help me with all the change. From "I can and I will" to "Let Go" and to "Discipline is just choosing between what you want NOW and what you want MOST" each of these has served a purpose and has helped me "settle" and now that I am settled, I think it's time for a new mantra:
"Fall in Love with the Process and the Results will come"
Which means that even when you don't have the answers or are capable of making a decision yet, you just have to fall in love with the daily moments, clues and hints and know that you will eventually get there.
Signing off as the luckiest girl in the world and asking you all to think about where you are today and all that has led you to this moment. Life and this universe thing are crazy, but also insanely amazing, so enjoy today and know that its leading you to tomorrow :)