I just lay there on my bench, after class was over
as the XX blasted through the speakers. I thought I was staring up at the
exposed ceiling at the gym but really I was staring up at a series of images in
my mind. Flashbacks you could easily say of everything that has unfolded over
the past couple years. You know where I was, what I thought, what actually
happened, the adventures I had experienced and the whole process of landing my
feet where they are today.
I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't fathom, that
I had actually moved to this foreign city. And not just in the sense of packing
up a back pack for 6 months, I mean selling furniture, getting rid of an
apartment, boxing and shipping things, handing things back, leaving things
where they should be and then focusing all my energies on building a home - My
home, my future, my everything I have always dreamed of. It was a pinch me
moment, but a moment filled with so many overwhelming thoughts I really did not
know where to start weeding through what was coming to mind.
Was it that I had landed nearly 5 months ago and
everything so easily fell into place - the job, the routine, the friends that
last a lifetime, the special people that make you think you could have it all
if you wanted and the adventures that leave you feeling breathless. Or was it
that I never thought I would survive, make it through the shock of a
lifetime and then suddenly realize that I really
wanted so much more. I have no idea, but I lay there in a trance and continued through
the motions home in the same trance and suddenly I found myself laying on my
new bed, in my new flat, listening to the busy sounds of my hipster bipster
neighbourhood realizing that there was never going to be any turning back. I
had come to far and seen to much to ever go back to where I thought happiness
was.
And so with that I sat up and starred deeply into
my vision board and thought - oh no, next comes all the stuff I have been
afraid of. All the things I avoided by using studying, work and life as excuses
to just not have to really do the things I knew deep inside I had always
wanted. This was my Gobi, as Stefan Denis once said. Life and all the adult
stuff was and is my Gobi. It's the fear of letting go of complete freedom, it’s
the requirement to be responsible, it’s the act of fully trusting someone and
the universe that a forever happily after is possible and it's the exposing of
every vulnerability I could feel.
And while I know how scary it all seems for anyone,
I just sat there starring at my board and began yelling at myself instead. SUCK
IT UP YOU WHINEY BABY, It's time. Time to conquer this massive fear. And what better way to believe in my strength and
capability to endure this sense of adult hood but to test myself. To really
test myself and give myself that adrenalin filled feeling that makes you feel
like you could call up David Beckham and make him yours. And so I did it -
picked my test, built a schedule and committed to it full force.
It's me against the half marathon. Which may not
seem much to all you avid runners out there. But for a former fat kid, an aging
adult and a premature baby that is better known as a bubble child, this seems
like an early death sentence. But I have committed and I will do it, even if I
have a similar story to P Diddy and the New York Marathon. I may not have toe nails at the end and I may
have rashes and bleeding everything's, but I will do this. I will face my Gobi
and I will get closer to conquering this fear.
And with that I have decided that for the next
three months as I train this blog will become my place to vent, to share, to
cry and to triumph about every step along the journey. After all it is the
running shoe diaries so at least now I am writing about running.
So if you have already shared and followed my random
rants and woes, I ask you now to really step inside and give the writer, life
doer and inspirer in me a chance to really let you in, touch your life and
personally give you something you can maybe associate with. And if you have
stumbled across this by mistake, I ask for the chance to become a part of your reading ritual.
I promise that while you may be bored at times, you
will laugh, cry and likely think I am crazy :)
Here is to sharing this journey
#royalparkshalfmarathon #london #runner #conqueringfears #pushingmylimits
#hopingforsurvival #therunningshoediaries
-A
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